I really dislike that I’m super self conscious. I pick myself apart and find everything lacking in some way. Hell, I don’t even like that this blog is a homage to me picking at my various attributes. But it is what it is.
I already feel like Overly Attentive Girlfriend on a normal basis but it doesn’t help when Tony makes fun of me and it just makes me feel like I’m some kind of tumor that’s attached itself to him. I know he’s just exaggerating and teasing me but it’s not funny. At least not to me.
I dreamt last night that he and I were at Tater’s house for a dinner and I was flirting with some girl in an attempt to get her to sleep with us (because that’s what he really wants, a three some) and she was responding really well but then disappeared with some guy to hook up and I got really upset. Mostly because I’m a really direct person and as a result don’t like playing games or being lead to believe one thing when it’s not true.
In my dream I threw a fit which is a pretty good indicator that the time of the month is on its way. Kind of like a storm sitting on the horizon and you can see the dark clouds but you’re still standing in a patch of sunlight. Do when I woke up I texted Tony and said that I was pretty sure that PMSing was going to start soon and I’d get whiney and clingy again. He said that it would have had to have stopped for it to come back again.
I know I whine a lot. That’s the whole point of my tumblr. Well that and book reviews. But I whine on a blog because I know he doesn’t want me to whine to him. But I’m not that clingy. At least I try not to be. I just really like cuddling and shit, he likes cuddling more than I do.
But he cited yesterday that I asked him to watch a movie with me and when we sat down to watch it in the living room I had wanted to sit next to him but he was playing with his 40k stuff trying to build a new army along the lines of the new 6th Edition rules. So I sat on the other couch.
I had only even asked to sit on the same couch because, forgive me for assuming, that when you ask someone to watch a movie with you that happens to be your significant other you’re going to maybe want to sit next to them. Or just assume that they expect you to sit with them because it was your idea to watch a movie in the first place.
But now I’m all butt hurt because he made fun of me. I’m not mad, per se, just upset that he has a tendency to make fun of my flaws. I try not to make fun of his because that’s rude and you can hurt someone’s feelings that way and you shouldn’t want to hurt the feelings of the person you’re involved with. If you find joy in hurting that person’s feelings then maybe you shouldn’t be with them.
I dunno. I’m confused and my feelings are hurt and this is stupid. I’d go back to sleep if I didn’t have to sign the lease soon.
One thing that I really can’t stand about myself is that sometimes when I have no one to be around or paying at least slight attention to me I feel kind of lost. Like I don’t know how to start up a conversation.
Lately it feels like I do this to Tony a lot. He’ll walk off and go look at something and I’ll have no one to focus on and I’ll just kind of space out. I wonder if he doesn’t think I’m retarded or something. Hell, I wonder if I’m mentally disabled sometimes.
Asperger’s. It’s always Asperger’s.
But I hate that when I get his attention that I feel like I’m Overly Attentive Girlfriend. Horrendously cheerful, super clingy and ridiculous. Silly, I know but oh well.
This morning was a very productive morning for me, given that I had a raging headache that was borderline migraine territory and nothing to eat besides some slices of pepperoni. But I got up and played through Diao Chan’s whole Musou Mode, and then when Shawn got up we chilled and took some aspirin and then got motivated.
I sorted through all the clothes and threw a giant load of colors and darks in the washer. This pile containing all the underwear and my uniform for work in it because I was down to the thongs and my work shirt was oil splattered and smelly. I went and tidied up the rest of the room, picking up all the clothes from the floor and arranging Tony’s not-sure-if-they’re-dirty jeans into a pile in the corner for him to do something with, and got dressed because I can’t allow myself to go outside in the afternoon looking like I just rolled out of bed. Even if I had.
So I went outside and it was so hot! Just that oppressive hot that feels like it’s physically squeezing the breath from your lungs. And I walked to the front office to tell them we’d sign the lease tomorrow and yes, we’ll have the rent before tomorrow. Then I went across the street t the 7-11 and bought myself a slurpee while calling Tony and filling him in on what happened.
But as I was walking back from 7-11 I walked right by this black guy but I had stepped off the sidewalk and into the parking lot of this convenience store and avoided him. In my terror at being perceived as racist or scared of him because of his race I thought quickly that if he said anything I’d simply tell him it was the most direct path to my front door and I didn’t like walking around on the side because it takes too long. Which lead me to think that I’m really a very direct person. This is highlighted when my dearest Tony loves to tell me that I’m direct almost to the point of being more socially impaired than Shawn. But that’s doesn’t me because that just means that I don’t like wasting time because it’s just time consuming. If you want to accomplish a goal then why take the round about way of getting there? That doesn’t make any sense. It’s in the sense that when I was in geography in high school learning the Pathagorean Theorum I could never understand why someone would go from A to B and then C. Why wouldn’t they just take C and get there as quickly as possible.
Directness is great. Who cares if I’m blunt too?
I love going to outdoor cafe’s like this one. That are just on the sidewalk of streets lined with chic shops and cute boutiques. They’d be awesome.
So I’m not even sure if I know where to start. I think I’ve had kind of an ephiphany. No, that’s not the right word. More like I’ve just admitted to myself the kind of person I really want to be.
When I say that I idolize the Obamas I really mean I do. It’s crazy just how much like them I want to be. I want to move to a big city and live in the middle of it. It’s crazy. But more than that, I want to be urbane. I want to have a high class life that only the rich upper crust usually have.
I want to go to black tie balls in support of my co-workers and associates. I want to go to back to the life that I had when I was in California. I’m that kind of girl. I’m a San Francisco girl. Live on the pier and go to the aquarium, be involved in the fund raising for their events. And go to theater events and talk about the latest causes and how much you donated to them. Go to dinner included awards. Balls and soirees and such. It would be amazing.
It doesn’t even bother me that I’m like that. And it doesn’t even bother me that I’m that white, because I know that I can get up there even though I don’t live in that specific area anymore. It’s kinda dumb. What bothers me is that it bothers Tony that I’m like this. Like he doesn’t like seeing it so plainly that I’m uber white and very rarely act like I have color on my skin.
But the sad thing is he’s as white. But I guess I can see where he’s coming from. No one wants to be reminded of the things they consider to be negative about their personality or mind. They just go along with it and try not to be seriously obvious about it. Whatever. I’ll get over it. And I’m gonna make him like that lifestyle. :D
I feel like I’m getting into this phase in my life where the things I used to do for fun aren’t really that much fun anymore. Like going to clubs and bars and drinking until I can’t remember the night. Those things aren’t as much fun anymore because you go to bars and clubs to dance and meet guys an drinking that much hurts my stomach.
Maybe it’s because I’m joining the military? Do I have some kind of notion that I’m supposed to be a grown up now and I can’t be doing things that I did not six months ago? Fuck, man. This sucks.
So recently I decided to renew my library card for the Osceola County Library system and checked out The Hobbit and the Children of Hurin. I read through the Hobbit and it was amazing. I absolutely loved it and it kept me glued to it so with that in mind when I checked out The Children of Hurin I was expecting something amazing, especially since it’s set approximately 6,000 years before the events of The Fellowship.
Sadly I’ve been let down so far. The first chapters have been really dry and very devoid of action, instead it reads almost like a history book of Middle Earth, which isn’t very interesting for me. I’m thinking of just returning the book and checking out The Fellowship and trying to read that. I know from what my friends have said that the Lord of the Rings trilogy can get very tedious and the plot can wander off track sometimes but I’m prepared for that. I look forward to reading about Bilbo’s face freaking out on Frodo.
Yes Robert Downey Jr…. continue to get hotter with age and seduce me repeatedly. I adopted TWO kitties already. :D
I have a huge man-crush on Robert Downey Jr, can you blame me?
I came upon this picture on Reddit on r/trees. It had been posted as “I would love to have this as my smoking spot.” And all I could think about was how I would love a room like that because it would fit me so personally. I’d have those selves filled with books of all kinds that I could sleep next to. And those steps would be covered in action figures and more books.
But then I though, well shit, who’s to say that I can’t ever have a room like that? After the military I move to a city and buy a loft and make this room. But I realized that even if I did get that loft and build it I wouldn’t have the life I associated with it. The student in college and meets a cute guy from the art department and brings him back to her place for a bottle of wine and looking at stars from her bed. That lifestyle, I couldn’t have it I’d be older than all the other students. I’d be at least in my late 20’s and they’d all be in their late teens.
And I got to thinking that I’m too old for that lifestyle right now. I’d have to be at least 19 and experiencing that. That at 23 these should be fond memories instead of hopes for the future. And damnit, it made me feel old. Like I got jipped out of something that I should have had.